This time I shall start with the Warning:
Don’t try this at home, or anywhere else for that matter. I don’t want to be held responsible for time spent in the burns unit and there is nothing worse than going to hospital grumpy and hungry. There is another warning at the end if you failed to heed this one.
Ok there are a number of ways to break your fast. We have the cigarette and coffee
people, the cereal consumers, the toasters and the full “insert country of origin” breakfasters.
Now I’m a cereal person, when I do eat breakfast, but I know my way around the kitchen and I know that reading and pouring a bowl of cereal can be done.
When pouring the milk or cereal listen out for the full sound. It is vital that you do know when to stop pouring otherwise you’ll end up with a side covered in milk and cereal and this section does not cover cleaning.
To make breakfast whilst reading you need to know the layout of your kitchen very well indeed.
In order to prevent injury I suggest that you walk with one hand out to prevent you from walking into things. Having said that take care not to put your hand on the hob, it will burn and it will hurt.
It may help if you can keep the guiding hand on a side to guide you around.
So we begin.
OK, being English I will work to the traditional full English breakfast, this includes
Bacon, eggs, beans, toast, fried tomato (eww) mushrooms (double eww) and possibly a sausage.
Hold the book in your left hand (if you are right handed) and use the other hand as your guide.
We are going to assume for a moment that none of the meats need thawing and they are all stacked neatly in the fridge.
Make your way to the fridge and take out the bacon, sausages, mushrooms and a tomato (a large tomato).
You will have to complete this task one handed, so make sure that you feel for the side so that you don’t hit it with either yourself or miss completely and end up dropping the food on the floor.
Next get out such essentials as a plate, chopping board, knife and or scissors and a wooden spatula.
When hunting for a knife, be careful not to grab and always feel for the sharp edge so you cut with the right bit.
Use a stand to support your book whilst you cut your tomato in half.
Put to one side tomatoes to one side and feel along the side for the sausages.
Using a knife remove the sausages from their packaging, feel for the sharp edge of the blade before you start cutting, scissors may be better if you keep them in your kitchen.
Next Separate sausages with knife or scissors (assuming you have a string of sausages)
You may also want to open the bacon packaging to save time later.
Step 2 -Now for the dangerous part, cue danger music.
You need to make your way to the oven.
Pick up the book and feel your way to the oven.
Make sure you know how high the hobs are and how far away from the chopping board your oven is. This will help prevent burning and stubbed toes.
Run your hand along the dials and turn the hob dial to the appropriate setting. You should know roughly the degree you usually turn the dial to.
Whilst the hob is heating up, make your way to the cupboard and feel haphazardly around for the oil. To make a game of it, see how many items you can avoid knocking over.
Place oil on the side with your cooking ingredients, you will need it in a moment.
Make your way to the cupboard to the place where your pans resides and remove two frying pans and a saucepan for the beans.
Hopefully you know the feel of your handles and will be able to guess which are the correct implements.
Whatever you do, make sure you don’t put anything plastic on the heat. Otherwise not only will you damage said plastic object and the cooker, it will also leave an unholy caustic burning smell.
After you have located your pans, make your way triumphantly back to the oven with a frying pan.
Place frying pan on the heat.
Step 3 – the cook off
Make your way back to your food items and retrieve the oil.
rub the bottle against the sides to help it tell you where you are.
Guess the whereabouts of the pan and pour in the oil. If in doubt pour from a greater height than you normally would to avoid burns.
Next go back to the food items and retrieve your neatly separated sausages.
Armed with your sausages, approach the cooker manoeuvre your arm above the place you think the pan might be, release the sausages and step back, they will spit.
Obtain your wooden spatula and occasionally prod the sausages, keep a nose out for the smell of burning.
After a small wait, possibly the length of a page and a half in reading time, turn on another hob, retrieve your other pan and repeat the oiling process.
Place your book on the stand and separate out the amount of bacon you wish to consume.
In order to keep reading you may have to walk back and forth, and deposit one piece of bacon at a time into the pan.
Into the same pan place the mushrooms and tomato halves.
In the other pan your oil should have heated up.
Step 4- Here we tackle the eggs.
So you have retrieved your egg and you are standing in front of the cooker.
Feel for the handle of the empty pan. Run the egg gently down the handle of the pan until you feel the pan, gently tap the egg against the edge of the pan and squeeze either side of the crack so that the lovely eggyness pours pours forth.
Next dispose of the eggshell and wash your hand, without getting your prized book wet.
It helps if you have pump soap.
Make your way back to the oven and feel around the pan with a wooden spatula for the bacon and flip it, repeat the process with the tomato, stir the fungus and turn the sausages.
Make sure nothing smells like it’s burning. If it does, identify the offending smell and remove item from pan. If the pan keeps spitting at you, lower the heat.
Step 5- Now for the beans.
Grab the tin from your food stash and pour into pan.
Well it will be if you have a ring pull can. You will have to use the bookstand again whilst open the lid.
Armed with a pan full of beans, and of course your book, make your way back to the oven.
Slide the hopefully now cooked meats and fungus from the heat onto an off hob and replace with bean pan.
Prod egg(s) with wooden spatula to prevent sticking.
Step 6- Dishing up
Make sure you have your plate in a place you can easily judge the distance from pan to plate, preferably as close to the oven as possible.
Take meat panhandle turn to plate, tip pan onto plate.
Wait till pan feels empty. Return pan to cold hob.
Stir beans with wooden spatula.
If egg spatula no longer easily goes through egg white and you are happy with the level of cookedness, wriggle egg onto spatula, feel for the balance of the egg so egg won’t fall off spatula and very very carefully manoeuvre egg onto plate.
Slide empty pan onto cold hob.
If beans are bubbling, stir once more with wooden spatula. Place wooden spatula in empty pan and take bean panhandle, take the pan to the plate. Tip pan until pan feels empty. Place bean pan on trivet (everyone has a trivet, right?)
Turn oven off!
Marvel at culinary genius and pray that your food is a) edible and b) on plate.
Try not to think about the washing up. Retrieve knife and fork.
To enjoy meal take food to the place where it will be consumed, utilise book stand and proceed to try not to feed your chin.
Listen to an audio book.
Assuming you have ignored my warning not to attempt this and you have been successful; i.e you have steered away from A&E. Your food may or may not look edible, or even be edible, avoid eating unless you are confident food is properly cooked.
Also if you attempt this your cupboards are in danger of becoming disarrayed and your side may see more beans than your plate does.
Results may vary.